Interiew with Aline Zoldbrod, Author of “Sex Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life”

We are pleased to have Aline with us today as she gives as insight on how non-sexual family of origin issues form a persons sexuality.

Irene: Aline, your book “Sex Smart” is a book like none other. Please tell our audience what your book is about.

Aline: “SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It” explodes the myth that sexual development is simple and Straight forward. SexSmart’s central message is that healthy sexual development actually is quite varied and complicated. We each come to our adult sexuality having walked down our own special path. And many families in which there was no specific, sexual abuse actually do cause profound damage to childrens’ developing sexuality.

SexSmart explains how the way you were raised in your family– whether you were touched nicely or cruelly or not at all, whether you could depend on your parents to take care of you, whether you got empathy, whether you trusted your parents and your siblings, what the power relationships were, and even whether you were encouraged to have friends–all deeply affect whether you will be able to enjoy sexual pleasure, and also whether you will feel safe being sexual with someone to whom you are emotionally attached. In SexSmart I describe fourteen “Milestones of Sexual Development.”

Irene: How does whether or not you got empathy from your parents have any bearing on sexuality?

Aline: Good parents are empathetic. They let themselves feel what their child is feeling, and then they respond to what the child needs. The more that the child sees that parents will respond to her needs, the more the child trusts that the energy expended to communicate is worth the effort. And so trust, and communication skills, build.

People who did not receive empathy from their parents have many problems with sexual(and emotional) relationships as adults. For instance, if you didn’t get empathy, you might be deeply afraid of getting hurt, so you may avoid getting into relationships altogether. You may be lacking in practice in communicating, or believe that it is pointless to talk about what you want (since you believe no one cares about how you feel.) So if you then do get into a sexual relationship, it is difficult for you to talk about your sexual likes and dislikes, or even to talk about it when a particular sexual activity is causing you anxiety, discomfort or pain.

If an unempathic parent was neglectful or abusive, there is a good chance that you will be chronically tense. If you can’t let yourself relax and be soothed, by definition, you will not be able to enjoy sexual pleasure in the context of a tender, steady relationship.
(You may still be able to enjoy the excitement of a new, lust-filled one, though.)

Irene: What inspired you to write this book?

Aline: Being able to have a sexual bond with a beloved partner is one of the great joys of life. It’s a spiritual, deep, health-giving experience. Sex shouldn’t be a source of anxiety, doubt, shame, or pain. It saddens me that so many people haven’t experienced their sexuality as a force for good in their life. I believe that reading and working through SexSmart can be a path to sexual enlightenment and sexual freedom for many people. As a sex therapist, I have met and helped hundreds and hundreds of men and women who are unhappy with their sexual selves. But as an author, I can help people I never even met.

There are so many women and men in America and in the world who do not enjoy being sexual. They don’t enjoy feeling sexual as a solo activity, and they don’t feel safe and comfortable being sexual with a partner. Some of them feel guilty. Some of them experience sex as needing to be a perfect performance each time, which spoils it. Some of them have sexual dysfunctions caused by anxiety and lack of education. And some had childhoods that were flawed in such a way that they literally do not know what it feels like to experience sexual tinglings and urgings in their own body.

You would be surprised to know how many people think that in reality, sexuality isn’t that great, that sexual pleasure is nothing much, and that all the emphasis on sex is a big media hoax! I hope that readers will use SexSmart as a map, guiding them to un-do the damage suffered by growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Irene: Why would some people think that sex is a big media hoax?

Aline: Each of us only knows the experience we have in our own body. People who have never experienced sexual pleasure in their own bodies have no reason to believe other people who insist that sex feels great.

There are large numbers of people who never learned that any kind of touch feels good. Many people grew up in “good” families with parents who were responsible, but unaffectionate. So they don’t unconsciously or consciously link touch and love. Others grew up with parents who were unbelievably anxious, and they absorbed so much anxiety from their parents’ touch that they associate touch with anxiety.

Far too many people grew up in families where they witnessed or experienced violence, which is devastating to sexuality. Witnessing or experiencing violence alters one’s feelings about being safe in one’s own body. I believe it can be as negative an experience, sexually, as some kinds of sexual abuse. Witnessing or being the direct victim of violence in your family teaches you that it’s not safe to love or trust. It teaches you that it’s not a good idea to ever let down your guard emotionally. It literally changes people’s “BodyMaps” so that it becomes impossible to relax, let go of control, and allow another person to pleasure you. The body remembers! If you were slapped in the face, for instance, you might flinch when someone you love tries to caress your face. If you came from a physically violent family, you can learn to experience sexual pleasure. But to do so, you have to process what happened to you, not minimize it.

Think of your associations to touch and trust as the first step in a
cascade of good physical and emotional associations you must feel first in your body before you can feel the building up of sexual arousal:

love=> touch => trust=> love=> safety=> drift=> float

love=> touch => trust=> love=> safety=> drift=> float => AROUSAL

Consistent, good experience with loving touch helps you to make
crucial links which you need. You need to be able to link love with touch, and touch with safety. If you can’t make these associations, you need to re-learn touch. Otherwise, you may never experience sex as pleasurable.

Irene: You claim that “sexual abuse” can happen in families in where there was not, literally, sex abuse. Please explain what that means.

Aline: Most people have an inadequate, shallow sense of what the building blocks of healthy sexuality are. Healthy sexuality is not based just in what you were told about sex, or in your appropriate or inappropriate sexual experiences in your family. It’s about what you witnessed and learned in your family about trust, safety, touch, gender relationships, anxiety, power, self worth, your body, and friendship. One basic motivation to be sexual comes from what you learned about being in relationship to another person. Was it worth getting close to another human being emotionally, let alone sexually?

People completely underestimate the effects of neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or having an alcoholic or drug addicted parent on their sexuality. I have begun to call these other kinds of abuse “non sexual abuse.”

Sexual abuse is a horrible thing. However, I am certain that in terms of numbers of people affected, more people in America have sexual issues caused by growing up in families in which there was NON-SEXUAL abuse–such as lack of loving touch, alcoholism or drug abuse, physical violence, emotional abuse, or neglect–than were hurt by actual sexual abuse.

Irene: What would be some sexual issues that are caused by, what you say, “non-sexual abuse”?

Aline: Well, as an example, let me just pick the Milestone of Touch, and show you two lists from SexSmart. Readers should ask themselves what are their associations to touch.
You can’t enjoy sex if you don’t like touch. I like to say that touch is the “Ground Zero” of sexuality. People who had a good experience with touch have wonderful associations to touch.

Here are some good associations from my patients. Touch equals: pleasure, relaxation, fun, softness, good memories, comfort, normal, help, connection, I’m worth touching, calming, indulgence, massage, deep breathing, good mother, good father, sensuality, a worthwhile activity, good sexual memories.
good sexual memories

Contrast this to the associations to touch that people have when there was lack of affection, neglect, or violence. Touch equals: fear, controlling, out of control, awkward, pain, numb, tense/anxiety, guilt, startle response, bad memories, discomfort, weird, danger, confusion, what does this mean?, jumpy, is this proper? Uptight, holding breath, no mother, bad mother, no father, bad father, boring, a waste of time, no sexual memories.

Irene: Your hope is that people who read “Sex Smart” will see themselves in the book, or that some of the information will speak to them. What particular areas do you feel are the most important for the readers to relate to.

Aline: It’s funny. I have to say that every person reading SexSmart responds to different pieces of it. SexSmart discusses sexual development sequentially, beginning with birth and going through my fourteen Milestones of Sexual Development. (For instance, touch, empathy, trust, body image, gender identity, and so on.) Different readers’ families created problems at each Milestone. Readers absorb the book and highlight the parts that speak to them, personally, along with the workbook questions that challenge them the most.

Irene: In your practice, do you see more of one particular issue, than others? If so, what is it, and please explain why this particular issue is more prevalent?

Aline: Well, Irene, coming from a dysfunctional family can lead to just about every sexual dysfunction in the world, but I’ll comment on a few which I see frequently. The first is probably longstanding low sexual desire. People who grow up in families where there is very little tenderness, touch, caring, empathy, or safety have a hard time trusting in an emotional sense, and they also have an almost impossible time relaxing in their body. So it is common to meet people from difficult families who have never experienced sexual desire in their entire lives, because they have never allowed themselves to relax, breathe deeply, and allow sexual feelings and impulses to emerge and percolate through their bodies. They literally don’t know, can’t identify, and can’t even tolerate sexual feelings. So they don’t believe they can have sexual feelings.

Another typical effect of growing up with “non-sexual sexual abuse” is sexual addiction, especially in men. It is common for boys who grow up in unaffectionate, neglectful, emotionally abusive, or violent homes to discover masturbation as a way to self-soothe. When they were sad or scared, they masturbated. Having an orgasm is like a drug; it changes body chemistry and temporarily dulls painful feelings. It creates a habit of using sex as a crutch, a pattern where men feel that sex is their most important need or that sex is THE cure to unhappy feelings.

Irene: Your book is of importance for parents who want their children to grow up and have positive views of their sexuality. In what ways do you believe parents can affirm to their children that their bodies and their sexuality be accepted in a positive manner?

Aline: I think parents’ biggest obligation to their children is to address their own sexuality. How can you create a child with healthy sexuality if you aren’t comfortable using touch to soothe, or if you don’t feel happy in your own body, or if you think sex is dirty or scary, or if you believe all people of the opposite gender are evil or cruel? If your sexuality was damaged in your own family of origin, fix that first.

Abuse of all kinds goes down the generations. When you take the steps to stop denying what went wrong in your own family, when you have the courage to say “ouch!,” to get into therapy to change things, the buck stops with you. The brave person who goes into therapy and admits the pain he or she suffered can stop the cycle of abuse (of whatever kind) for all the generations which come after him or her.

Irene: I understand you saying that parents need to address their own sexual issues first. However, I would imagine some people don’t feel they have issues because they actually believe their beliefs about sex are correct. Some may even be influenced by religious beliefs. How do you propose to address these parents and have them be aware of the damage they are causing their children?

Aline: I think that most parents want their children to be able to grow up and enjoy being sexual once they are married. Conservative parents do want to make sure that children are celibate BEFORE marriage. I hope that SexSmart can get the word out to all parents about how important affectionate touch, empathy, and trust, and good power relationships are to children. If children are allowed to explore their own bodies, which is important, and if they also have these basic Milestones of Sexual Development, they will grow into sexually healthy adults. If you want to raise your child conservatively, I think you’ll find a lot of useful information about how to insure that your child turns out to be both responsive and responsible sexually as an adult.

Irene: Taking self-responsibility is the most important aspect of creating a healthy view of one’s own sexuality and what one does with it. Why do you believe that others often influence unhealthy views? What are some of the most common unhealthy views that our society has imposed upon us?

Aline: It is normal to be influenced by the people around us. It’s a fact of life. I wish that there were more normal looking people on TV and in the magazines. With all these thin, perfect, surgically enhanced, never-aging bodies around us, it’s hard for many women and men to feel that their own natural looking body is sexy enough. Sadly, a lot of people, women especially, seem to feel that only beautiful, thin women “deserve” to enjoy sex. Actually, as they say, the biggest sex organ is between your ears. How you feel about sexuality and being sexual is the most important determinant of whether you will feel sexual. Normal people have imperfect bodies. And imperfect bodies are perfectly able to feel sexual pleasure!

Irene: Yes, TV and magazines do portray a specific stature that our society seems to think is “normal.” So do books. A lot of the romance novels portray “sexy” women and men and readers escape by becoming the character. Why do you believe that people create their own reality through what they see or read?

Aline: Well, as far as we know, fantasizing seems to be a uniquely human trait. As long as it’s in balance, as long as people aren’t avoiding dealing constructively with issues in their own lives, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing. Sometimes, our fantasies help us see what our goals and dreams for ourselves are, in a way that can be constructive.

Irene: You want to reach specific populations with “Sex Smart.” Who do you think would benefit most by reading this book?

Aline: I would recommend SexSmart to anyone who is baffled about why you are who you are sexually, or for anyone who feels confused, unhappy, or ashamed of your sexuality.

I do think that SexSmart might hold a special key to understanding for certain kinds of readers: First, if you are someone who is terribly frightened of getting both sexually and emotionally close to another person, you can use SexSmart to understand your own fears.

Secondly, I hope to reach people affected by physical violence. SexSmart talks in detail about the changes violence caused in your Body Map, in your sense of trust, in your beliefs about gender relationships, and in creating anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. Family violence may be common, unfortunately, but it is NOT normal, and it shuts down the ability to feel sexual pleasure in close relationships for many people.

Thirdly, if you feel you were destined NOT to have sexual feelings, SexSmart may help you understand why you feel that way. If your sense of being asexual is partly because of your family of origin, SexSmart can help you discover how to become more comfortable with feeling sexual stirrings in your body and toward others.Ironically, on the other hand, many people who have sexual compulsions, who feel insatiable sexual feelings, also find answers in SexSmart. Lastly, I want to reach people who grew up in homes where they suffered emotional abuse or neglect.

Irene: “Sex Smart” is not only a book to read, but also a workbook. Please give us a little insight about the workbook aspect of it.

Aline: As a therapist, I assign homework between sessions. Writing down feelings is an important part of processing them. I find that my patients make more progress in changing when they are active participants. They get more insights, and they move through pain faster. SexSmart is so full of information that unless readers highlight the text and choose and complete some of the exercises which fit them, they won’t get the full benefit. In the homework, I always make the reader write down what the positives are that they need to focus on–what they wished they had said or done, or what they need to do now to fix the problem. The homework can help the reader transform some sad memories and realizations into targeted plans for change.

I plead with you, readers, do the workbook! It’s kind of like when you have a vivid, detailed dream at night, and you want to get up and write it down, but you’re too lazy. And so you rationalize it and tell yourself, “Wow, that dream was so amazing, so unusual, so wild. I’ll be sure to remember it when I am up.’ And then, at 7:00AM, when the alarm goes off, you wake up and say, “Man, that was a wild dream I had last night. Something about a cake. Hmmm. Blue cake?? Hmm.”

And you’ve lost the entire message your unconscious was sending you because you were too lazy to get your rear end up and write it down. Same thing. Use the workbook in SexSmart!!!

What About Your Sexual Intelligence Quotient?

We all know about IQ, emotional intelligence, kinesthetic intelligence, and so forth. But what do we know about sexual intelligence? The term isn’t well-known, nor is it something that has been developed traditionally.

Sexual intelligence can be distinguished by two dimensions:

The first involves sexual energy that brings forth life in all that is alive — animals, human beings, and plants. This intelligence was around long before we became aware of ourselves, long before we knew about E=mc2. It’s a built-in intelligence present in sexual energy, given by nature, God, or the eternal consciousness. Sexual energy is the spark of this divine intelligence that created us.

The second dimension of sexual intelligence involves the human capacity to be self-reflective or aware of one’s own existence, and particularly of one’s life force energy that is sexual in nature. In contrast to animals, which can only follow their procreative wiring when in heat, human beings have the potential to bring awareness and consciousness to their sexual selves — their feelings, thoughts, sensations, and behaviors — which can create the opportunity to be at choice regarding the use of their life force or sexual energy.

Therefore, as reflective humans, we can develop the capacity to bring awareness to the spark of life within us and use this not only in sexual acts, but to create our whole lives. Our inquiry focuses on sexual intelligence that entails the systemic relationship of creativity and pleasure built into life force or sexual energy that can be found everywhere in life. We are particularly interested in bringing light to that systemic relationship inherent in the manifestation of sexual energy for the sake of consciously and joyously creating our lives, relationships, and careers.

Sexual Energy

As we learned in our physics and chemistry classes in school, energy can take many forms:

Electrical energy lights up the sky during thunderstorms and illuminates our homes at night.
Kinetic energy sends a ball flying through the air when we hit it with a bat.
Chemical energy drives our bodies’ systems and keeps us moving physically.
Thermal energy can heat our houses and the food we eat.
However, absent from high school and college curricula is human energy as it manifests in our bodies and consciousness. Human life force energy is sexual in nature (though we are not talking here about traditional sex education) and encompasses a range of states from subtle to intensely aroused. We become aware of this energy when it shows up in procreation, when we are having sex, but it can also be much vaster than and just as potent as what we experience during sex. It can be used to create whatever we want to bring into our lives such as good health, well-being, fulfilling relationships, endeavors, and/or careers.

The sex act is one way of experiencing and using sexual energy, but not the only way; intercourse is one stage on the continuum of experiencing sexual energy. Without sexual energy to spark our desires, none of us would be here. It is fundamental not just to human existence but to all of life as we know it and has been present since the very dawn of creation.

Though we cannot see it, life force or sexual energy is ever-present, both when we are aroused in the bedroom and when we are at rest and sex is the furthest thing from our minds — and during every state in between. It’s there when we’re doing mundane tasks like cooking dinner or getting dressed in the morning.

Sexual energy in its physical manifestation and experience is unique in that it’s creative and pleasurable. This allows for the continuing existence of life, which is part of us by nature. We can learn to draw on this awareness of creativity and pleasure, similar to when we’re in a loving space or viewing a work of art or anything in which we regularly find joy. Our contention is that when life force or sexual energy is unencumbered and free of past personal stories and collective interpretations that no longer serve us, creativity and pleasure are more accessible to us everywhere in life: where we live, in the people we surround ourselves with, in the work we do. When we learn sexual consciousness practices, creativity and pleasure start showing up as a default way of being in the simple process of living.

Becoming the Observer

Sexual intelligence begins when we bring intention and focused attention to our life force or sexual energy. Unlike animals that work simply on biological imperatives to keep their kind from becoming extinct, we have the ability to become the observer of our desires, impulses, wants, fears, and joys. Of course we’re wired in that biological dimension as well; in the big picture we’re animals ourselves, and it’s our inherent mission to continue to thrive generation after generation. In this dimension of sexual energy, we are machines — it doesn’t require consciousness on our part. It’s automatic and just happens whether we’re aware of it or not.

What separates us from the beasts, then, is the second dimension of bringing consciousness to sexual energy — our ability to be self-reflective or aware of our own existence, what we call the observer of the self. This uniquely human capacity allows us to rise above the biological miracle we have been put here to perform and recognize that we are at choice in how we live, feel, and act, including our sexual beingness.

Being at choice means we are able to see what is versus what we think should be. This allows us to become clear about what we truly want and take effective action toward fulfilling it. When we are aware of being at choice regarding our sexual beings we can tap into and use our sexual energy in a multitude of ways depending on what we want to create in our lives and relationships. We can use it in the sex act. We can connect with our sacredness and deepen the intimate connection with our beloved. We can integrate our sexual, emotional, and spiritual being. We can use it to fuel our work creatively or connect consciously with the people around us.

Developing this state of mind is essential to working with sexual energy, to tapping in to it and utilizing it to create fulfilling lives for ourselves. Without the observer mind, we can be doomed to an eternity of automatic and habitual behaviors that often produce suffering and a sense of being victimized by life. In other words, we live devoid of creativity and pleasure.

As a good example of the observer, let’s look at a moose walking through a forest, just going along its merry way. Then, suddenly, a big tree falls right in front of her. The moose looks at the tree, lifts her nose to smell it, then nibbles on the tree’s twigs and leaves. As she eats, rain starts to fall. The moose raises her head, enjoying and tasting the drops that fall on her face. When she’s had her fill she simply finds her way around the fallen tree and continues on her journey.

Now say a human is walking through the forest when suddenly a big tree falls right in front of him. He’ll look angrily at the tree, cursing and huffing: “Now I’m going to be late for my meeting. And what about my wife and children and my retirement fund? I have to make a bridge to get where I need to go! What? It’s raining too?” Throwing his hands up in despair and disgust, he’ll exclaim, “Why me, God? Why me?”

Becoming like the moose allows us to be in the present moment, witness what is, notice how we feel, and watch the chatter, thoughts, and interpretations in our minds. As humans we are programmed to dwell on the drama that’s already passed instead of focusing on the present. Instead of getting caught up in this chatter of our minds, we can cultivate our capacity to be like the moose — simply to be with what is happening right here and now. In this witness or observer state we are connected with ourselves and tap in to stillness and peace — and that’s the space where we can become sexually intelligent.

In our next article we will discuss how to get “sexually intelligent.”

Over the past decade, Dr. Elsbeth Meuth has assisted thousands of couples and singles expand their relationship and deepen their intimate connection. She is an internationally renowned workshop leader, relationship and intimacy coach and a certified Tantra Yoga teachers. Since founding the TantraNova Institute in Chicago, IL, in 2001 she has produced with her partner Freddy Zental the bestselling DVD series “Creating Intimacy & Love” and was featured on Showtime’s documentary series “Sexual Healing” and the Emmy Award Winning NBC show “Starting Over”.

They are the co-authors of the forthcoming book “Sexual Intelligence: The Rosetta Stone of the Twenty-First Century”. They are are the authors of the forthcoming book “Sexual Intelligence: The Rosetta Stone of the Twenty-First Century”.

TantraNova’s breakthrough technology in sexual intelligence recognizes the systemic relationship between life force or sexual energy, creativity and pleasure allowing for flow, joy and fulfillment in all areas of life! While other forms of intelligence such as IQ, emotional intelligence, kinesthetic intelligence, have been researched and evolved over the past few decades, sexual intelligence is not commonly known and understood.

How to Be a Sexual Man (Golden Tips)

Even though a man is aware of his nature that he is born to be a leader but still he acts like a whinny boy most of the time. According to women, men made women dominated in every area of life. They have lost the sexual masculinity from their nature. These statements of women are so true because when we communicate on validation level instead of attraction then we lose our masculine values. So, instead of feeling hurt and defensive, we need to understand that how to be a sexual man in our lives.

For an average man, “An exclusive sexy woman is like a million dollar check.” And unfortunately, this thinking of him demolishes his sexual traits. He always puts women on higher ranks and seeks the validation from them. During his life, he only focuses on attracting those higher rank women rather than making himself a sexual man.

Here I am giving you few precious tips that will make women see you as their “SEXUAL GOD”.

HOW TO BE A SEXUAL MAN?

Have you ever played chess? Have you ever noticed that even a soldier can become the center of the game? Well, I am giving you this example because for being a sexual man, it is not necessary whether you are king, rich or average. Your presence in environment is enough to curl the toes of women with extreme sexual attraction.

You would become the fantasy man of every woman if you focus on your traits. Read these below secret tips and adopt the traits of desirable sexual man.

1. Be the Worthy Man.
2. Be Extremely Sexual.

You can not be a sexual man without these two tips. These tips not only highlight the inner quality of you but also project you as a “Sexual God” in front of women. After reading these tips in detail, you would be surprised to know that there are much more hidden things which women desire in their fantasy man. So, let me shock you with the in-depth secrets which are highly attractive for women.

1. BE THE WORTHY MAN.

When it comes to women, most men think that only humor and body language do the magic in attraction. Unfortunately, these things drop them in friends’ category but never present them as worthy men. On the other hand, a worthy man covers the great deal of sexual attraction alone. He demonstrates control over his emotions, patience and life.

Few months back, I was having an interesting conversation with my one female friend, expert in human psychology. She said that, “Men can save majority of their time if they only focus on being a worthy man.” She also added, “Lack of masculinity in today’s men created the fantasy of rape for women.” According to her, it is really tough for women to find out a worthy man, a man who can fulfill all their emotional and sexual desires while keeping the attraction, interest and fun on higher level.

To help you understand the secret traits of worthy man, I am revealing one trait in simple words. This below trait not only leads you towards successful relationship but also makes you the sexual man in women’s arena.

• PERSONAL AUTHORITY: Authority is the primary need for being a worthy man. It allows you to project yourself as a dominant man. An authoritative man is a symbol of real masculinity. Also, in attraction it works wonderfully because girls want to be with a man who can dominate them. Your authoritative personality will never make her confuse or resentful entire life.

Now, you must be wondering that how to exactly project yourself as an authoritative man. Well, the only thing you need to do is to surround yourself with authoritative figures. Maintain good relationship with managers, restaurant owners, teachers and parents etc. Your relationships with authority figures keep your values on higher rank and nurture you as the worthy man.

For women, “An authoritative man is extremely sexual than average men.”

2. BE EXTREMELY SEXUAL.

As I said earlier, Authoritative man is extremely sexual than average man. Your authority makes women fantasize about you sexually. If you are in relationship then it will keep your woman faithful to you. Similarly, if you are dating then your personal authority will make women chase you.

Have you ever wondered that why women follow authoritative sexual man entire life? It is only because he exists in their sexual fantasies. He fulfills their emotional and sexual needs. Women desire a man who can dominate them and ravish them sexually. A part from romantic lovemaking, they want someone who can treat them roughly in sexuality. That’s why; the biggest sexual fantasy of women is “RAPE”.

You need to be extreme sexual for curving the toes of women with sexual pleasures. You can be the sexual man if you follow these below highly effective tips.

• It does not matter how old she is, “Always treat a woman like a virgin.” This strategy connects you with her on sexual and emotional level. This will put extreme sexual sensations inside her body.
• Use the power of “Sexual Whispering”. Whispering is the safest way that turns women on sexually and makes them see you with sexual lust.

“Be Her Sexual God.” If you want to know exactly that how to be a sexual man and create extreme sexual attraction then check this out… Be Her Sexual God.

How to Practice Sexual Fitness Everyday for Women Using Mind and Body

Like men, sexual health is an important aspect of your life. Although you may not think about sex or connect sexuality to your ego as men do, it remains a very important facet to quality of life. As a consultant to a dietary supplement company writing educational articles and practicing many years as a clinical psychologist, I have personally counseled and advised women on their sexual issues and endeavors for optimal sexual health. After years of experience in the field of psychology, I have come up with some practical recommendations for you to practice in order to optimize your sexual potential. Although written for a woman, men should read this article and support their female partner at all costs. Like many healthcare professionals, I believe in taking a holistic approach to sexual health and fitness.

The first step is to make your sexual fitness a daily goal. Just as frequent exercise is necessary for physical health, regular exercise and attention paid to your sexual being is vital. This is not to say you need to fixate on your sexual health and welfare as men do, but knowing yourself, your partner, and psychological well-being directly links to optimal sexual health. Just as you have a physical fitness regimen, so too should you devise a sexual fitness regimen. I do not mean you need to think and engage in sex as frequently as you exercise, but thinking daily about sexuality is not only healthy, I highly recommend it.

Physical well-being is paramount to your sexual health. This is why it is important to have an excellent open relationship with your doctor and/or gynecologist. There are many medical conditions that can impact a woman’s sexual well-being only she and her doctor can explore. From painful intercourse to a lack of sexual appetite, these problems can sometimes be rooted in a medical cause that can be treated with medication or doctor recommended steps. The key is feeling comfortable to discussing sexual issues with your doctor. There are millions of women who suffer from hormonal and medically based conditions. These same conditions though can be treated and sometimes cured with the help of a doctor.

Psychological well-being is crucial to your sexual health. Stress, anxiety, depression, and past traumatic experiences can all negatively influence sexual functioning. Just as a woman seeks medical advice from her doctor, a visit to a psychologist specializing in women’s issues may also be necessary to reduce mental health issues and past traumatic experiences from being problematic. A psychologist is a doctoral level clinician who is trained to diagnose and treat psychological issues which may impact a woman’s capacity to engage in sex in a comfortable manner. Although psychological conditions exist and require counsel, many women have emotional issues that can be addressed on their own or with a loved ones help. Unlike men, women seem impacted more by their environment than does their male counterparts. This is not to suggest men insulate themselves from their life stressors, but women tend to internalize these stressors more often and allow these life stressors to detract from their want, need, and desire for sexual engagement. Learning what life stressors are impeding their ability to practice regular sexual fitness can alleviate some of the obstacles causing sexual appetite and desire issues

As mentioned above, your sexual well-being is connected to the way you feel about yourself and the environment. Women are born, bred, and socialized to fixate on the way they appear to others. If you have a poor self-image or low self-esteem, it is almost impossible to engage in a healthy sexual lifestyle. It is truly unfortunate our society still places massive pressure on women to be thin, svelte, and seductive in appearance. Because of these societal expectations, women become far too involved in perceiving and feeling “less than” or unattractive to others. This is not to say you should not exercise or practice self-image improvement, but the negative self-image a woman often feels when she’s not to the level she thinks she should be will always directly impact her ability to feel sensual, sexual, and provocative.

Whereas men tend to fixate on their sexual prowess, women seem to fixate on their image as it appears to the outside world. The goal is to reduce this fixation of being your most attractive at all times and then working towards self- acceptance. When you feel reasonably secure about your image, you become vastly more comfortable feeling as a sexual creature that not only deserves attention, but also expects sensual interactions. Speaking to a psychologist, friend, or loved one can help you meet the goal of a healthy self-image.

Women are socialized to be incredible communicators and adept at expressing their feelings. You learn early in development the benefits of discussing your concerns to others as being both healthy and necessary to optimal psychological well-being. Unfortunately, men are not socialized this way and tend to lack the confidence or motivation to communicate to their loved ones about their sexuality. Although men suffer this proverbial disability to discuss their sexual issues to others, women can also be hesitant to discuss sexual matters with others. The key for you is to feel comfortable expressing your sexual thoughts and concerns with the ones you are engaging in sexual practices with. Your male counterpart may not appear to be listening or concerned with your sexual needs. The secret reality is your male counterpart will usually welcome whatever advice you give him since his ego is connected to your sexual perception of him. There are men who truly are clueless about women’s needs and expectations, but if you believe in practicing sexual fitness, you will quickly educate him.

Self-awareness is essentially, “Know Thy Self”. Despite religious and societal interpretations of masturbation and self-stimulation, it is highly recommended for you to know what arouses you sexually and helps puts you in a sensual mood. Self stimulation and masturbation is like exercise for the sexual senses. The more you know what arouses you, the better you will be at communicating to others what heightens your sexual prowess. The only way to communicate what your sexual trigger points are is to know what places on your body arouses you. Men have communicated to me in counseling on numerous times confusion about the female anatomy. They also confess they do not know how to touch and talk to their partner hoping to heighten her arousal. Women too often do not recognize what their sexual triggers are. Self-stimulation and masturbation helps you to recognize what arouses you and teaches how to identify the areas of your body that are sensitive to sensual touch. Masturbation not only educates a woman, but also has suggested in clinical studies to be a healthy behavior contributing to an increased sense of physical well-being. The more a woman is educated about her anatomy, and areas of sexual sensitivity can only positively contribute to her sexual life. The key is regularly practice self-stimulation as often as possible in order to achieve sexual fitness.

There are women who do not practice self stimulation or masturbation due to religious, philosophical, or for moral reasons. There are also women who do not practice masturbation because they simply don’t have the time due to work, children, or household responsibilities. When these reasons for not taking the time to practice self stimulation are apparent, then the next best thing is practicing sexual fantasy. There have been studies that have suggested men think about sex from every 10-15 seconds to every several minutes. There are no known studies that I have come across that have determined how often women think about sex. Although there may be these studies, I have not had the opportunity to review them. If there are such studies, I can almost guarantee women’s frequency of sexual thoughts are not nearly as frequent as men. Not to say that you should fantasize about sex as often as men, but I do recommend spending a little time each day engaged in sexual fantasy. To fantasize about sex is not only healthy for the mind and body, but it is great for stress management as well. Sexual thoughts and periods of sexual fantasy can also help you better understand your own thoughts and needs and teach you to be comfortable with sexuality in general. Fantasy is fantasy. There are no boundaries when it comes to an arousing sexual fantasy. The act of thinking about sex contributes to your positive feelings of well-being and potential increased urges of sexual desire.

In conclusion, volumes of books and videos have been produced to assist women in increasing their sexual prowess and appetite. I alone could spend hours writing about what I’ve heard from women seeking healthy sexual functioning. The goal for you is to understand how important it is to spend time thinking about your sexual self and how much better life becomes when you regularly engage in sexual exploration. A woman, like a man, is a sexual creature. The key for you is to endeavor upon using a holistic approach to obtain your optimal sexual functioning. The mind, body, and spirit all work synergistically to help you feel as a sexual creature with urges and needs. Sexuality may be a taboo subject for some, but it is clearly a mandatory part of our species survival. In its finite form, sexuality and the goal of sex is for the purpose of procreation. All animals procreate for survival of their species. Although procreation is the evolutionary goal of sex, that does not mean you have to relinquish your right to healthy sexual functioning and enjoyment. Men need to emphasize less the importance of sex, and women need to emphasize more their capacity for sexual enjoyment and deep yearning for sensual intimacy. Sexual fitness is an activity that requires you to think about and practice each day.

Dr. Michael Nuccitelli is a New York State licensed psychologist and a clinical and educational consultant for Herberex Inc. and Goliath Labs Inc. Dr. Nuccitelli areas of expertise include dietary supplement compliance guidelines, sports nutrition, human sexuality, forensic psychology, health/fitness, and psychiatric/psychological issues.

Sexual Harassment and Sex Discrimination Answers

Sexual harassment is a form of sex discrimination that violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Title VII applies to employers with 15 or more employees, including state and local governments. It also applies to employment agencies and to labor organizations, as well as to the federal government.

Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitute sexual harassment when this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual’s employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual’s work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment.

Here are some Frequently Asked Questions:

What is sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment is defined as “unwelcome sexual advances or conduct.” Sexual harassment includes quid pro quo harassment or a hostile or offensive work environment. Sexual harassment is any kind of sexual conduct that is unwelcome and/or inappropriate for the work place. Sexual harassment can take many forms: verbal harassment, e.g. sexual or dirty jokes, visual harassment, e.g. drawings, emails, etc., physical harassment, and sexual favors, e.g. sexual advances, confrontation with sexual demands (quid pr quo sexual harassment). In the work place, sexual harassment can come from the owner, supervisors, managers, and co-workers. Sexual harassment does not only occur in the work place; it can occur off-site at office functions and parties.

Who can be held responsible if I am the victim of sexual harassment at work?

Both the employer and employees are liable for sexual harassment.

What is quid pro quo sexual harassment?

Quid pro quo sexual harassment takes place when a supervisor or someone with authority over your job demands sexual favors from you in exchange for a promotion, raise or some other benefit, including keeping your job. The demand for sexual favors can be explicit, e.g. “If you have sex with me, I will promote you,” or it can be implied from unwelcome physical contact such as touching or fondling.

What must I prove to prevail in a cause of action for quid pro quo sexual harassment?

You must show that a supervisor, or someone with authority over your job, explicitly or implicitly conditioned a job, retention of your job, a job benefit (raise, business trip, or some other benefit), on your acceptance of sexual conduct. You must demonstrate that the harasser is someone with authority who can affect conditions of your employment. You also have to prove that the sexual conduct was unwelcome.

How can I prove that the sexual conduct was unwelcome?

The sexual conduct must be unwelcome. You may show that the conduct was unwelcome by showing that you: explicitly rejected his/her sexual advances; you suffered emotional distress; your job performance deteriorated; you avoided the harasser; you told friends and/or family of the harassment; and you told a company representative of the harassment. Each case is different and your case may or may not include some of these examples.

What are my remedies in a quid pro quo sexual harassment case?

The law provides that you may recover damages from your employer once you have proven that you were deprived of a job benefit, or suffered an adverse employment action, e.g. failure to promote, termination of employment, because you refused to accept your supervisor’s sexual demands.

What To Do If I Think I am the Victim of Sexual Harassment?

Keep a record of the events surrounding the sexual harassment, include the date, time, place, and who was present. Your notes may become very important in litigating the case, but bear in mind that these notes may be required to be turned over to the employer during the discovery phase of litigation. Check the company’s employee handbook, if one exists, to determine if the company has a procedure for handling sexual harassment complaints. If the company has a procedure for filing a sexual harassment complaint you must comply with it.

If you do not complain to the employer, the employer can successfully defend itself from liability by arguing that it was not aware of the problem, and therefore was unable to remedy the problem. However, if the problem is not remedied, you may wish to speak to an attorney for advice on how to file a formal complaint with the appropriate federal or state or city agency. You may still want to speak with an attorney before you file the complaint with the company to ensure that it is communicated appropriately.

Once I inform my employer about the sexual harassment, what must my employer do?

Once the employer knows or should know about the harassment, it has a duty to take immediate and appropriate corrective action to end the harassment. The employer’s response must be reasonably calculated to end the harassment and if earlier discipline did not end the harassment, more severe discipline is required.

Is my employer still responsible if the harasser is a co-worker?

If the demand for sexual favors is made by a co-worker with no power to affect your employment opportunities, you cannot claim quid pro quo harassment. However, you may claim that the co-workers actions created a hostile work environment, and an employer may be held liable for the conduct of the employee if the employer knew or should have known of the employee’s conduct and failed to take prompt remedial action to stop the harassment.

What is “hostile work environment” sexual harassment?

As an employee, you have a right to work in an environment that is free of discrimination, intimidation, insult and ridicule. You have a potential claim for hostile work environment if the sexual harassment unreasonably interferes with your work performance or creates an offensive or intimidating work environment. In order to have a claim for hostile work environment, you must be able to prove that there was more than a single incident of harassment. You also have to show, as in quid pro quo sexual harassment, that the sexual conduct was unwelcome.

What are examples of a hostile or offensive work environment?

Sexually-charged jokes or pranks, being grabbed or whistled at, sexual advances, requests for sexual favors or other verbal, visual, or physical conduct of a sexual nature can create a hostile work environment and can qualify as sexual harassment. Conduct that makes the workplace sexually charged does not need to be directly aimed at you. For example, being subject to offensive company-wide emails may create a hostile or offensive work environment.

What must I show in order to recover damages for a hostile work environment?

You must show that the unwelcome sexual conduct was so severe and pervasive that it “altered your conditions of employment by creating a psychologically abusive work environment.” The employer may be held liable if he/she knew or should have known of the harassment and failed to take prompt remedial steps to stop the harassment.

How can I prove that the harassing conduct was severe or pervasive enough to alter the working conditions and create an abusive environment?

You must be able to meet both an objective and a subjective standard. The objective standard is met if a Court determines that a “reasonable person in your position” would have considered the conduct severe or pervasive. Under the subjective standard, you must have actually found the conduct sufficiently severe or pervasive to interfere with your work environment. In other words, a Court looks at what your reaction to the conduct was, and whether your reaction was reasonable, according how a “reasonable person in your position” would have reacted.

What types of damages can I recover if I am successful in demonstrating sexual harassment?

A Court may order the company to: stop the harassment; pay lost wages and other job-related losses (e.g. promotions, or favorable work status you lost because of the sexual harassment); pay compensation for physical, mental and emotional injuries; pay punitive damages; pay your attorneys’ fees and expenses associated with litigating your case.